I am 1 in 4

You never think you’re going to be one of the 1 in 4 women to lose a baby. You hope and pray that you’ll never be a part of that statistic, but then one day it happens. And in a second the life you once had is no more. You find yourself in a liminal space where you are suspended between the person you once were to the person you will become.

I never could’ve imagined how friends of mine felt when they were going through a miscarriage or had gone through one, until I had experienced mine. I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s the worst kind of unexplainable pain. It’s exhausting. And the grief, some days it’s unbearable. you try to move forward while grieving the loss of the life you once knew and the life you thought you would have. You try not to cry or be sad throughout the days, but little things make you think about where life has currently brought you.

Then you have all the questions. why did it happen to me? Did I do something that caused this miscarriage? How will the next pregnancy go? Will I get pregnant again? Along with many more. I’ve never found myself so deep in grief and I’ve never experienced something so traumatic.

But even when i was in so much pain, in the middle of the grief and sorrow, and throughout the weeks of my miscarriage, I felt a peace like I hadn’t known and the arms of a father holding me tight. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know why. I was broken.

I had only know I was pregnant for a month, and while I was only, 10 ish weeks ( from my calculations) my heart had already begun to love the baby growing within. I had already begun to dream about this babies future, who he or she would be, how they would interact with their sister, how I’d feel bringing a new life into the world, etc. But it all changed one morning in February, February 22nd to be exact. We should’ve been celebrating a beautiful new life and seeing that life on the screen in front of us, but instead there was silence and stillness.

The doctor, the same one who had been on the other end delivering my beautiful little girl 18 months prior, looked at me with questioning eyes, and asked me if I couldn’t possibly be 5 weeks pregnant instead of 10? In that moment I felt blindsided, confused, and unsure of what was to come. On one hand I had just found out that I was either so far off date and only 5 weeks pregnant or the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and my body just didn’t know yet. The doctor wanted a better look and another opinion, so another more in-depth ultrasound was scheduled for that afternoon.

My mind was spinning.

I hoped that the ultrasound later that afternoon would provide some answers, clarity but even more I hoped that I’d see our baby. But with every angle and screenshot, every movement of the transducer, and with every min of those 45 minutes, I began to lose hope. Again a new doctor came in and asked me when my last cycle was? If I had been sure of the dates? If I couldn’t possibly be 5 weeks pregnant? I was told to go home and come back the next week to be rechecked.

But 2 days later, my body realized the baby had stopped growing and the miscarriage process began. It was a Friday night, feb 24th, and the spotting had begun. It was just a matter of time before what? I had no idea what or how a miscarriage would feel or how it would happen. Did I have time to get somewhere? Should I go to the hospital? My brain was spiraling. I sent a message to my doctor and called leaving a voice message. As the night progressed, the bleeding started and before I knew it, I was visiting the restroom every 10ish minutes in between contractions. The only bit of relief I felt throughout the night was found in my weighted blanket and the heating pad.

The bleeding continued throughout the weekend, leaving me held up in the bedroom, feeling like a hostage in my own home. I had never felt so alone as I did that weekend.

If you’ve walked through a miscarriage or currently are, I’m so sorry, friend! My heart aches with you. I thought id share some things that helped me & things I believe would help others going through a miscarriage or even, help those who care to serve their friend or family members during this season.

1) allowing myself the ability to grieve was huge! I have been working on allowing myself to feel my emotions and sit in my emotions over the last couple years after shutting many of them off to get more done. God has really been teaching me that it’s okay to feel and feel deeply and true healing comes from facing those things not pushing them to the back burner. So I would say- take your time. Allow yourself to rest and grieve in the following weeks. I know life continues and you may have responsibilities, but going through something so traumatic is exhausting and hard, so give yourself grace in the next few weeks or months.

2) Be open with God! He can handle your questions, anger, sadness, etc. but go to Him. Sit at his feet and just let Him hold you. He cares. He feels with us. God allowed Jesus to come to earth as fully man and God so He could understand us, feel our deepest sadness and pains, and empathize with us. My miscarriage was easily the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced but know 100% God was with me the whole time. I had many emotions and I shared them openly with God but I also have never felt as loved as I did during it. God held me so many times where I didn’t even have words, all I could do was cry, but I felt His warm embrace and I knew He was with me. I pray you can be open with Him too- and know you don’t have to say anything eloquent and you can even just sit- but allow Him to work in your situation and comfort you.

3) Find people to talk with. This could be your best friends, a friend you know walked through a similar time or season, or a counselor. But find some people who can lift you up and who are willing to listen and just be with you. I opened up on social media about what had happened to us and the outpouring of love and messages I got we’re beyond what I could have hoped. It was so nice to know that I wasn’t alone in my feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Talking about it and sharing our story helped in the healing process and I truly believe God allowed me to help others begin to heal as they shared their stories with me. I was honored that some women, women I didn’t even know but through social media, reached out and shared their stories, some for the first time.

3) Reading and listening to podcasts. There were a couple books and audio books I listened to that helped me feel so seen and really aided in the healing process.

The first book was an audio book I listened to on my way to my parents house a few weeks after the miscarriage called “ Embrace your Almost” by Jordan Lee Dooley. I was in tears most of the drive. In this book Jordan goes into depth about her journey through multiple miscarriages and how the unmet expectations made her question a lot about her life & caused her to pause and reevaluate what was most important to her. She talks about the tension that is the middle ground between where you once were and where you thought you’d be. Such a great book with so much wisdom and practical steps to help you move forward. Grab the book Here

The second book I read that felt so raw and real in the weeks after was a book called “ Grace like Scarlett; Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and Loss” by Adriel Booker. Wow, this book made me feel seen. It’s hard for others sometimes to understand what a mama is going through mentally, physically and emotionally after a miscarriage, especially when the mother isn’t super far along in pregnancy. It’s very abstract. And even understanding how to explain how you’re feeling can be hard, but the way Adriel writes, you just feel her heart and she so eloquently writes exactly how you feel ( or how I felt). She writes “ Though 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, miscarriage is shrouded in such secrecy and stigma that the woman who experiences it often feels deeply isolated, unsure how to process her grief. Her body seems to have betrayed her. Her confidence in the goodness of God is rattled. Her loved ones don’t know what to say. Her heart is broken. She may feel guilty, ashamed, angry, depressed, confused, or alone.” This book helped me better understand my grief and i loved that it had a Christian perspective and explored biblical texts throughout. Grab your copy Here

The third book was a book entitled “ Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way “ by Shauna Niequist. This book is a collection of essays in which Shauna reflects on her own journey of making peace with change, the nuanced mix of excitement and heartbreak that comes with it & practices to offer strength and peace along the way. This book could be read in really any season of life you have big changes like a difficult move, career changes, financial worry and stress, marital stress & life altering loss. I loved how she talks about letting the waves carry us into a deeper awareness of God’s presence in our lives even in the turmoil. Grab your book Here

If you haven’t endured a miscarriage, stillbirth or loss, chances are you know someone who has. Whether that be a friend, a family member or someone you just kind of know through social media, id love to offer some thoughts on how you can be of support.

1) there are never any words that will make what has happened any better, so take that pressure off your shoulders. You don’t have to have any amazing, eloquent words… simply saying, “ I’m sorry” , “ I’m here for you”, “ I’m praying for you.” Are all enough! Just let them know you’re there if they need to sit and cry on your shoulder, need someone to just sit with them or talk with them. Just knowing others were lifting me up in prayers and were there for me if I needed, helped.

2) Getting a meal train set up for them, cooking them something or even having food delivered would be a HUGE blessing. I know that as a mama of a toddler, having to think about food and just doing life over those couple weeks after was so exhausting and challenging. Not having to think of meals and planning/ prepping/ cooking etc would have been so nice.

3) offer to watch the kids or take them somewhere. I never could have expected how exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally I was and how it was hard to really do anything around the house or take care of Peyton. I am very thankful I have such a hands on husband because he took on a lot. He cooked, cleaned, and watched Peyton while working from home somedays- He was amazing. I can’t even imagine how it would have been having multiple children at the house after such trauma and I think having a day or two of them being with friends or getting them out of the house would’ve been good. We didn’t have family around when this happened, or im sure family would have done this for us.

I hope this post can be a reference for you if you’ve experienced a miscarriage as well or that it enlightens you if you’re a friend/ family member of someone who has. All in all, God had been so good to us and while we still grieve the loss every now and then, my heart has been healed so much through conversations and sweet time with Jesus! I pray this for you, friend! I pray that you feel God’s warm embrace and that you feel His presence- let Him in to work in your heart and bring healing.

Your baby may not be physically here but they were real and they are in heaven with our Heavenly Father. His eyes were the first they ever saw and His sweet, beautiful embrace, was their first. One day we will see them again and it brings tears to my eyes to think of all the mamas being reunited with their babies and hearing their babies sweetly say, “ mama” for the first time. And I’m believing with you that you’ll get your rainbow baby🌈 & that God has Big Plans in store for you! He will use your hurt and pain for good. ❤️

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