Not many talk about the feeling of finding out your pregnant after experiencing a loss. It is a really hard topic to talk about, so I understand. But I didn’t want to go on not talking about my experience because I never wanted another mama to feel like she was alone.
The pregnancy test read positive. When I got a positive text result months after losing our baby, I had so many emotions. I was all at once overjoyed and scared! I was in awe that God would give us this gift & allow us to get pregnant again only a couple months after losing our baby. But I also felt a twinge of fear not knowing what to expect or if I would be able to carry this sweet baby.
Experiencing a miscarriage, I was anxious and nervous throughout much of the beginning of this pregnancy. We decided to share the news early on with our families so they could be backing us up with prayers along the way. Every day and week was marked with excitement and worry—- excitement that we made it another day, another week, but fear that the next week might be the week we could face devastation again.
It’s so hard when your world has been rocked by miscarriage to truly stay positive every day and week. It’s hard to build the excitement and allow yourself to attach to the idea of a new baby when you’ve experienced the heartache of losing a baby.
My last pregnancy ( baby 2) I should have been 10 weeks along when I had my ultrasound but I had apparently lost the baby around week 5. The craziest part was my body had no idea or didn’t let on that anything was wrong, let along that I had lost the baby. I had no idea what had happened until I was met with the reality at my appointment. I was almost 11 weeks along & my body never let on that there was an issue. I thought I was still nurturing and growing that sweet baby within, yet it had ceased to be at 5 weeks in. There were no answers or reasons as to why this baby had stopped forming.
You try not to beat yourself up about it, or blame yourself, but you continue to think… what if it was because of xyz?! I should have been more careful?! Etc. But friend- The what ifs can eat you up. If you are reading this and you’ve experienced a miscarriage, please, stop blaming yourself.
But, man, being pregnant again after experiencing heartbreak is tough. The questions of the previous pregnancy come back and thoughts can very easily plague you and take you over if you’re not careful.
For me- i had to take each day at a time & work on managing my mind each day and giving my thoughts and fears to the Lord. I had to be conscious of my thoughts and any thoughts not pure, honorable, lovely or true ( Philippians 4:8) had to be given to God. It was a constant, everyday and some days every few hours kind of thing, and still is some days. As I began to see my belly grow more, I felt hopeful. As my OB visit came closer, I was feeling more and more at ease & hopeful that this time would be different.
Then in an instant, the fear of losing a baby again became so real again. A couple days prior to my office visit- at about 12 weeks pregnant (my calculations), I began bleeding. As someone who has suffered from a traumatic miscarriage, any sight of blood instantly makes you think it might be happening again. It immediately brought me back to the moment we were losing our 2nd baby. I prayed and immediately sent texts to our families and friends to pray. Then I sent word to the doula who had helped bring my sweet Peyton into the world. She was a HUGE help! She reminded me to rest, drink water and work on calming my nerves. After 3 days of taking it more easy – or as easy as you can with a toddler 🤣- the bleeding lessened and I was feeling more at ease.
A couple days later, our 1st OB appointment was here. There had been lots of prayers, lots of thoughts, some anxiety and a lot of unknowns as this day came closer. But in my heart I felt God everyday reminding me that He was in charge & to give my fears, and the unknowns to Him.
Dave, Peyton and I drove up to the building and my heart sank. I walked into the building, pushed the buttons on the elevator, walked past the same lab I had frequented for bloodwork, weeks after the miscarriage and into the same OB waiting room I had been in just 5 months earlier… a rush of emotions hit me. Would I be seeing our sweet baby this time or would my heart break again?!
God answered our prayer…
That day we got to celebrate life!!! We were having a baby!!! 🙌🏻 We saw our baby and he/ she is healthy and moving and has a strong heartbeat!
Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!
I was immediately relieved to know that our baby was alive and we had made it further than we did last time! God had made a way again! The coolest part— we lost our 2nd baby February 2023 BUT we will be gaining a baby ( baby 3) February 2024!
* The miscarriage was by far one for the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with or gone through, but through that valley, God was always there. He held me & comforted me. He was there wiping all my tears and giving me hope for the possibility of new life again. We are beyond thankful for this sweet baby and know that out of ashes and sorry, He has made a way! He has brought peace, joy & hope!